grant fell asleep on my side of the bed and i’m on his side and my water is all the way over THERE and it’s just so hard to be me right now.
we only end up like our mothers because that’s what our mothers did, too.
i see a lot of people post letters they wrote to themselves as a kid, some sort of school assignment that would force them to think in a forward fashion about themselves, usually ending up a comic read 15 or 20 years later. as enjoyable as they are, i feel like writing letters from our 20 year old selves to our 40 year old selves might be more valuable to us than reflecting on all the things we’ve done differently since childhood. not that i’d say i’m necessarily more connected with my more “adult-like” ambitions now than i am with my teenage ambitions, but, hey, i can’t find any letters i wrote to my future self, so this is my only chance at one.
so here goes:
it’s you. i’m 23 right now and i’m laying in bed watching grant play video games. throwback thursday is a thing. do you remember that? MTV is playing throwback music videos from the 90s and it’s making me wish we (you and i) had been born ten years sooner and mom had pushed us into a life of recording studios and music videos. alas, that isn’t the case, and that’s why i’ve relocated to the next room so i don’t have to fully endure the teasing coming from the television screen.
enough about me, though. you already know everything that’s happening right now and you know what’s happening after now. i envy you for that. i wish you could be here to just tell me it’s all going to turn out okay. that i survive the in between time of not knowing where i’m going to end up or what i’m going to do. are you and grant married? do you have kids? are you happy? i wonder if you live by the water. not necessarily close to the water, but at the very least in a state bordered by some ocean. hell, i think i would settle for a great lake. speaking of lakes, do you still go camping? i think my worst fear for our future is that the lake will keep shrinking, the tide getting lower until we can see what’s left of the town at the bottom.
do you keep in touch with old friends? do you have new friends? do they have kids too? do you have dogs and cats and do they all chase each other around the house? are they nice to the kids? i bet you have cool wallpaper in at least one room. and a typewriter on a little table in front of a window on the second floor. even if you only live in a second floor apartment, that would be fine. just oceans or great lakes, remember?
there’s nothing i want more for you than to be happy at every moment. i’m still working on that now, but i have a feeling it’s going to get easier. i have to remind myself almost half the time, but the other half, when i’m effortlessly enjoying every single drop of a moment, that’s magical. when i look around and can not only see but feel the love in my life, that’s what i hope you can feel effortlessly now.
speaking of happiness, i hope you are comfortable enough to help make others happy, and i hope you’re teaching your family to do the same. there is a lack of understanding between different groups of people now. even in 2014, we still experience close-mindedness amongst human beings. remember to be kind. i hope you never lose that in the years between us. i know it’s easy to be rude and sarcastic, and i hope that doesn’t go away in the moments that allow it, but when a moment to be compassionate arises, it should be seized with vigor. there should be no other option than to put a smile on a face, to save someone’s day, even for just one day in their whole lives. make a lasting impression. share with others. keep them warm.
it’s weird to think that someday our roles will be reversed. me, sitting here still writing, wondering what you’re like, a giant smudge on the rest of the film reel. you’ll be reading this, your feet up somewhere i hope. a strong glass of lemonade on the porch. sunlight. i hope so much this is where you are right now. i hope you remember me right now. i hope you’re so happy you could explode.
love always and forever, no matter what,