brittney nicole winters

i need to figure my shit out. it’s hard, being in college. i want to have a job and start really earning something for myself besides grades, but i love spending my weekends in boca only worrying if it’s sunny enough to go to the beach. but i know this isn’t a rational approach to getting anywhere i want to be. making sacrifices lately has been stressing me out—hell, just the idea of making sacrifices makes me hate my life already—and i’ve been trying to come up with some sort of plan that will get me through the next few years with as little stress as possible.

i’ve been lucky enough to be put into contact with a miami lawyer who has been extremely helpful in aiding my search for a summer internship (thanks, grant’s mom!) and i’m keeping my fingers crossed that he’ll be able to hook me up with someone/something that’s going to be interesting and look good on my law school application.

and that’s another thing: where the hell am i supposed to go to law school? i’m always at odds with myself; i know that when i do my best, i come out with something really amazing. when i put myself completely into a task, i like to think i end up with a stellar final product. but now, as graduation comes up (next spring, i’m dying) and grad school applications creep closer to my fingertips, i’m thinking to myself, where do i go? it’s hard to let yourself live according to your own wants without thinking of others’ expectations. making yourself solely happy is the goal, but i feel like sometimes it’s hard to justify even still. i’d love to stay in south florida, go to university of miami, or head back west (but stay south) and go somewhere like UCLA or USC.

but there are still more questions. do i take a year off before grad school? half a year? what would i even do with that time? let’s be honest, i’d feel guilty for not being more productive but ecstatic at the fact that there would be no classes in my life for a solid period of time. and of course we have to take into account that i haven’t even gotten my LSAT test prep materials and have yet to sign up for a test date. all that aside, my goal is to be in law school by 2014.

i just need some motivation for now. i feel like every day is a clusterfuck to get as much done as i possibly can while still somehow disappointing myself that i didn’t do enough. i’m happier than ever, don’t get me wrong, but nothing about school or the next few academic years is doing anything to lower my stress levels.

which is why my 21st birthday needs to get here quick.

today:

• 10:00-1:00—table for the writing center
• 1:00—wait however long it takes to talk to an advisor to work on a schedule for fall
• 2:30-5:00—study for tomorrow’s sociology exam/finally get migration assistant to move all the necessary files
• 5:00—run

tomorrow:

• 9:30-3:15—class
• 4:00—run/weights
• 6:30 (hopefully)—drive to gainesville
• 8:30—homework, relax, hang out with kessler and emily

wednesday:

• 9:30—drive to orlando
• all day—hang out with dad
• sometime that night—drive back to tallahassee

thursday:

• 9:30-12:15—class
• 12:30—drive to boca
• 6:00—relax until monday and forget about all the driving i did the last three days

the only reason i’m okay with tabling for the reading and writing center this early on a monday is because the sun will make its way to me in about an hour or so, and all i really care about is being tan anyway.

and i’ve got a prime viewing spot for all the orientation tour groups. as much as i’d like to be just getting out of high school (not) i’m happy i never have to take college algebra or baby bio with 3 billion students ever again.

is it time for grad school yet?

and i’ve been trying to not eat junk food so i’ve been snacking on oatmeal and peanut butter and bananas…

the glamorous life.

i need to start being self-deprecating again.

aka last night’s sleep. still somehow not quite tired enough to sleep…

let’s not be too quick to forget the nap i just took on the living room floor, now.