brittney nicole winters

things that make me sad sometimes if i think too much

i’m not a mermaid. i’ll never be a mermaid no matter how hard i try.
i was never a child star. after i saw cheaper by the dozen i cried myself to sleep for a week because i was so jealous of all the fun they must have had making the movie.
i don’t work at disney. i need to work at disney. i just want the costume and the fame and the magic.
i’m not a real princess. i want to live in a castle and have gold everything and sparkly shoes and a garden better than versailles.
i’m still in college and not in the real world. i need to graduate already so i can start real life and not have school on the front burner all the time. i want to have a real job and disposable income and i want to go on cheap trips to anywhere i can think of. i want maps stuffing my glove compartment to capacity with circled cities and wishes for adventure.
i don’t have an accent and unless i fake it until i make it (which would be awful and annoying and obviously unauthentic) i never will.
i don’t live on an island and i don’t have 24/7 access to water/the beach.

it all makes me sad but happy and hopeful at the same time. even though the mermaid thing will (most likely) never happen, i know the rest are all possible. okay, maybe not the child star thing either, but a girl can dream, right?

briefly, last night’s dream

i was running—in florida—before i had to go to school. and when i say school i mean high school, so it was sometime around six in the morning. i was running from my house to the beach, which in my head was three miles. by the time i got there, i was being followed by a white pickup truck, so i decided it would be best if i walked into a random house and hung out there until the truck was gone.

well, i picked a house that was serving snow cones, but you had to make them yourself. so naturally my brother was there when i showed up. i let him create his icy treat and made him come back home with me.

fast-forward to me, my brother, and my sister in my car. we’re driving towards the ocean, about to get to the bridge to cross the intracoastal. i turn around for two seconds to talk to my brother and by the time i turn back around, i notice that the bridge is going up. i panic, then i decide to just go for it. i step on the gas and my front wheels make it to the other side, but my back wheels weren’t as lucky.

my siblings and i fell into the water, but luckily the sunroof was open, so i told them to get out of the car and swim to the surface (i apparently told them this while we were underwater, slight formality, whatever).

i now had to somehow get back to california without driving—that’s where i was going, you know, towards the atlantic ocean but ultimately arriving in oakland. anyway, i ended up on a ferry-type boat, but the crew of the ship were all people i’ve met this summer. other random people were passengers on the boat, and then there was bowie. except he was more of a great dane in my dream than a boxer/ridgeback mix. as soon as he saw me, he ran up and jumped on me, flattening me on the floor.

and then i cried from happiness. which is why i knew i was dreaming, because my emotions (or lack thereof) don’t bring me to tears in real life.

so, this exists.

fuck the ocean. FUCK THE FUCKING OCEAN.

staying on land forever and ever oh ten.

BRITTNEY NICOLE WINTERS

things that make me sad sometimes if i think too much

briefly, last night’s dream