- i’m not a mermaid. i’ll never be a mermaid no matter how hard i try.
- i was never a child star. after i saw cheaper by the dozen i cried myself to sleep for a week because i was so jealous of all the fun they must have had making the movie.
- i don’t work at disney. i need to work at disney. i just want the costume and the fame and the magic.
- i’m not a real princess. i want to live in a castle and have gold everything and sparkly shoes and a garden better than versailles.
- i’m still in college and not in the real world. i need to graduate already so i can start real life and not have school on the front burner all the time. i want to have a real job and disposable income and i want to go on cheap trips to anywhere i can think of. i want maps stuffing my glove compartment to capacity with circled cities and wishes for adventure.
- i don’t have an accent and unless i fake it until i make it (which would be awful and annoying and obviously unauthentic) i never will.
- i don’t live on an island and i don’t have 24/7 access to water/the beach.
it all makes me sad but happy and hopeful at the same time. even though the mermaid thing will (most likely) never happen, i know the rest are all possible. okay, maybe not the child star thing either, but a girl can dream, right?
“ we’re the people we hate.
— me to my roommate on being princesses
alright, first, let’s go through and talk about what’s wrong with some of the princesses:
- belle: she sees the beast’s “inner beauty” or whatever. like, she sees that he’s nice? how? he’s a total asshole to her, aside from letting her live in his dungeon instead of getting eaten by wolves. oh, yeah, he’s a really nice guy, i can see why she’d decide to have the patience to teach him how to be a good person. okay, belle.
- cinderella: so, she gets bitched out all day by her stepmother and stepsisters. she doesn’t stand up for herself even once because she’s scared of them? how could her life get any worse if she did? seriously, like, living on the streets would probably be an easier life for her than being a servant girl who talks to animals. but she only does anything about it when a prince validates her.
- snow white: her hair.
- sleeping beauty: let’s be honest, she didn’t really do much in the movie. it wasn’t even really about her. it was about those stupid fairies, flora, fauna and merriweather. aurora was just in the wrong royal family at the wrong time when the wrong villain decided she wanted to kill her. it’s cool that she doesn’t wear shoes in the forest though.
- ariel: like i said before, she’s a slut who wanted legs. for obvious reasons.
- jasmine: i’m pretty sure i’ve covered this before.
who else is there? mulan? pocahontas? let’s be honest, they’re forgettable. i didn’t even see the princess and the frog or enchanted. new disney movies aren’t exactly at the top of my list.
so on that note, i’d have to say that my favorite princess is probably belle, simply because i vividly remember playing “beauty and the beast” with my mom in my grandparents’ kitchen, telling her that she’s gaston and to “throw my book in the water.” then i’d grab my plastic rat (yes, i had a plastic toy rat, get over it) and run dramatically, claiming “there must be more than this provincial life!”
